1. You sold more Girl Scout Cookies than your daughter (or gift wrap, cookie dough, theater tickets) – in fact, when your daughter turns in her form and is congratulated for her effort, she stares back blankly in complete confusion about just what it is she did, while you brag to your friends and her troop leader/teacher about her dazzling sales skills;
2. You are first in the school pick-up line…every time…even if it means arriving 30 minutes early;
3. You actually wear the rec soccer photo pin (you know, the one that comes with the standard photo package?);
4. You are comfortable – nay, proud – when folks refer to you as ‘so-and-so’s mom’ rather than your given name;
5. XM 20-on-20 OR [insert radio station with the most obnoxious music ever] is the first preset on your car radio, and you hate that music;
6. Texting has become acceptable at the dinner table in your house because, well, your son said that he needs to stay in touch with his friends and – no – it can’t wait 15 minutes until after he eats;
7. Speaking of dinner, it’s acceptable in your house to be greeted with “what’s for dinner?” rather than hello. After all, they’re hungry after a day of tending to themselves and it’s your job to have dinner on the table upon their arrival;
8. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re simply helping them with their homework, yet they’re not even in the room while you’re doing it. In fact, you probably clear your schedule when your child has a project due – c’mon, you know you made that Mission from the ground up (FYI – the teacher knows it too and she is rolling her eyes behind your back and talking about you in the teacher’s lounge…count on it);
9. You pick your friends based on who your children are friends with;
10. You cried when your child didn’t make the A-Team; and when he wasn’t voted into ASB; and when he tanked his SAT’s…and when you were done crying, you raged at the unfairness of it all. If you’ve ever blamed your child’s failures on a ‘jaded’ coach, favoritism on the part of the teachers or even…wait for it because this is true…the testing room was too cold so how could my child possibly do well on the SAT?….
…I hate to be the one to tell you, but you’ve jumped the shark, my friend.