As mamas, we are devoted to our families. We can sometimes sneak in a little ‘me’ time, but generally speaking our days are filled with handling other people’s needs. Sometimes during the mindless parts of the day (um, 23 of the 24 hours), my mind wanders to goals, dreams and Freebies. Well, not so much on the goals and dreams. I’m too deep in the parenting years to actually see a light at the end of the tunnel, and the Freebies are more fun.
Already familiar with the Freebie? You can skip the next paragraph and read on. Need a quick definition? See below.
What is a Freebie?
Put simply, a freebie is an individual – usually a celebrity or other completely unattainable person, rarely someone in your social circle and you’ll see why later – that you could, um…be with…without any consequences. In other words, your significant other knows you have this person on your Freebie list and they acknowledge that if the opportunity were to present itself, you’ve got the green light, so to speak. Get it? They are unfailingly safe, because – if you picked them correctly – you will have a better chance of being sworn in as President than hooking up with one of your Freebies.
Here is my list of Freebies, in order from least controversial to most:
1. Tom Brady – QB of the Patriots, married to the skinniest of all skinny mamas, Gisele (I burn with hate for you, vixen). TB is the whole package: succesful, world-class athlete, devastatingly handsome, well-educated and well-spoken. He has so much going for him in the plus column: he has never appeared on Dancing With The Stars and I do not know of any rap videos in which he has made an appearance. He is #12 and I have a 12 year-old, which is totally not a coincidence (it’s a sign). He plays for New England and I’m from New England (uncanny!). In short, TB has the power to captivate me when his face appears on the TV. I will pull a hammy stopping short just to watch the b-roll from his last game, and I awaken from this Tom Brady stupor only after the ESPN guys move on to the next story, or the drool escapes form the corner of my half-opened mouth and drips onto the front of my shirt, whichever comes first. Oh, Tom, when will you be over Gisele? Your Cougar is waiting…
2. Lenny Kravitz – This tattooed bad boy with the crazy hair and slight effeminate twist to his dress and demeanor is easily number two on my list (he shifts to #1 on my more rebellious days – sorry, Tom). Lenny is a 60s-throwback-but-still-ultra-modern rocker with a velvety smooth voice and a presence on stage that evokes Janis Joplin/Mick Jagger, only better looking. He is gorgeously, beautifully taboo – a total bad boy – and just when you think he’s completely bad-a*s, he shows up on stage wearing a pink feather boa. And it works. Pinch me.
3. Jesse James (before Sandra Bullock) – Back when Monster Garage first debuted, I remember Jesse James as a fledgling reality TV star with a chip on his shoulder and an encyclopedic knowledge of anything motorized. He was sardonic and real. I could not detect a false note about his interaction with the guest mechanics. He came up with funny one-liners and had an understated delivery that I found hilarious. He also carried himself with an undercurrent of humility – I think back then he was genuinely in love with what he did and shocked that it had brought him so much success. He is actually one of those back-of-consciousness Freebies because everyone knows that he is naughty. He broke the heart of America’s Sweetheart, after all, and prefers the company of porn stars. This particular Freebie has jumped the shark for me, but in the interest of full disclosure and honesty (and to encourage same from you), I’m including him on my list.
Wouldn’t You Like to Be a Freebie Too?
Everyone has a Freebie, even the guys (some people even are Freebies and they don’t even know it)! My husband once admitted that Alyssa Milano (Who’s The Boss, indeed?) was his, followed closely by Carrie Underwood.
Isn’t this fun?
So who’s your Freebie? C’mon, tell me! Freebies reveal a little something about your inner self; your preferences and tendencies…they may actually help to release that pent up little streak of nonconformity in your otherwise perfect suburban persona. It’s cathartic.